Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!