Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends