People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose