@Metalligretch

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

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@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@impaulmccoy

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

@_NinJar

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@That_Damn_Duck

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

@ericamorecambe

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose