@rikpayne
@PoodleSnarf Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
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@PoodleSnarf 
@hilaryfairie Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
@glum_and_fun *pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
@MarkBuckawicki A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
@SteveKoehler22 Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
@noog If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
@EndhooS Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
@JGnuman197 Well, that didn’t work.
@mdob11 Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
@juneohara65 Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”