People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.