“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.