Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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I’ve had worse
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”