*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
These aliens are taking forever.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.