Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
respect
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here