ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
U talkin 2 me?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy