@SomeChrisTweets
@AbrasiveGhost ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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@AbrasiveGhost 
@dance_blessed Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
@Cornjerker78 Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
@rockymomax WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
@ellle_em U talkin 2 me?
@SuMacDan Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
@shutupmikeginn As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
@seandunn76 This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
@david8hughes [first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
@SketchesbyBoze VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine