I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“I’m helping” 😅
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag