has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.