Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
You Might Also Like
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win