Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.