“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You Might Also Like
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I believe the plural is “milves.”