Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away