I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death