A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight