A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
This makes total sense…
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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