I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”