Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
the Monday after daylight savings
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Herpes is trending, good job people
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man