SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
You Might Also Like
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.