95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Important
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van