I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday