I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
*has no idea what a book even is*
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Bless you
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me