Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Happens to everyone.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it