Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Thinking about Jeff
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg