holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
no
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
the three genders
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.