*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.