If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?