If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I have never related to anyone more.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I don’t know what to do
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!