Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Why is this me 😫
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids