A Match(.com), but for socks.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.