(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
You Might Also Like
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”