(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
You Might Also Like
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
termite twitter scares me
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.