nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Camping tip: No.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.