*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Meow
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
