Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
🔦🌙👣
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they