I…do not understand how electricity works.
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Body by cheese-puffs.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!