Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here