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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Yup.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
@ candidates for local office
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa