I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.