Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
🤣
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.