When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.