@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@DothTheDoth

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

@KatWar1

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

@Gorrdano

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

@whatsJo

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it