Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
How software testing works
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
That de-escalated quickly
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”