So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
They got a point!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace