i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“Sheer Arrogance”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.