shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“That’s what” – She
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.