me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The USS B port
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”