I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Can’t stop laughing
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections