this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.