Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.