how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Well, this explains it:
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”