It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.