Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?