@cravin4

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

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@Gupton68

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

@MaxKrimeTV

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

@PanettaSexyTime

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?