I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”